flirtations | crosscheck overflow post

[ Never before has Jae-ha felt so profoundly conflicted by anything Kija has said to him before. It simultaneously confirms his worst fears and gives him hope beyond anything he could imagine, despite knowing immediately that nothing good would come of this.

Because it is not in Kija's nature to-- ]

Let's go outside. Somewhere quiet. [ He suggests, pulling away now, almost as if afraid that if he stays too close he'll selfishly try to find some of that warmth again, when he shouldn't. He wouldn't treat Kija that way. Already, he begins to lead the way to the outside, to a balcony where they might speak alone. ]

Umm, yes ... [ Immediately, Kija starts to get self-conscious. It must be that he had said something wrong - that he made Jae Ha uncomfortable. Even if he doesn't fully understand the reason behind what he's feeling (he sort of knows, but it's a difficult thing to come to terms with), it still felt like he was baring open a part of himself, and that was already making him nervous. Now, the nerves have him imagining the worst case scenario - that they would be this uncomfortable around each other for the rest of their time together.

Quietly, Kija follows Jae Ha to the balcony outside, fidgeting with his hands. ]

Am I making things difficult?

[ Without a doubt, he was nervous. He was nervous as hell. A part of him has known, or at least suspected, that his feelings towards the white dragon may not be exactly one-sided. But there's still a chance that he's reading him incorrectly, or that he's perhaps wishfully thinking. ]

No, I'm just trying... to understand you right now, Kija. [ He hesitates. They're both having such a difficult time putting it into words, for wildly different reasons. ]

How... do you feel about me?

You are family. I would trust you with my life. [ Said with so much certainly, it comes out of his mouth like breathing. This, he was sure of. It's been true from the moment Jae Ha decided to accept his destiny and join them. ]

But I -- Recently, it has been strange. [ A hand moves to clutch his chest, and Kija looks down, feeling his face heating up. The certainty in his words before is gone now. In its place is a vulnerability and nervousness. ] When I think about the times we have k-kissed or held each other -- it feels like something in my chest is jumping about.

[ He listens. Of course, no matter what, Kija would always be family. That was, first and foremost, the bond they shared, the foundation of their relationship and the sort of unconditional love that came with it. It's for this reason that Jae-ha opts to merely listen, at first, though his heart grows heavier and heavier with each passing second. It's difficult-- nay, impossible, to deny his own feelings for the younger man. Perhaps they had always been there, or perhaps not, and the circumstances forcing them to physical closeness in a time of strife had made them blossom.

It didn't matter. What mattered was the way he felt now, standing before him, feeling his conscience grow heavy with guilt at the very real, very inevitable truth that would have to come out. Because he would never hide said truth from Kija, despite being a private sort of person who didn't mention such things unless necessary.

Yet selfishly, before he does that, Jae-ha reaches forward to take Kija's hand, his dragon hand, lightly in his own. This was a gesture that carried no implication, anyway, the sort of thing they'd do without a second thought. Even if now, such simple contact only makes Jae-ha's nerves more frayed than before. Finally, after a deep inhale, he makes himself utter the words: ]

Do you love me as more than kin, Kija? [ He forces himself to meet Kija's eye, because he deserves that much, too. ]

[ He does love him. All that went without saying. But the praise 'as more than kin' brings with it connotations of a different kind - a whole new valley he had absolutely no experience in. In fact, Kija is so inexperienced he can't quite put a name to what he feels. He did have enough self-awareness to know that something had changed, but as for what, exactly had changed ... There are some things he needs spelled out for him. ]

How would I know if I do? [ The innocent little handhold has his heart pounding more usual, and Kija feels his face heating up again. Yet, he's drawn to it. He gives Jae Ha's hand a little squeeze, walking a step closer. ] I ... do not know how it is supposed to feel.

[ Is he supposed to feel the way he does now, like his heart was racing so quickly he couldn't catch up with it? Like he was getting giddy just from being close? ]

[ He sighs. This is going to be even more difficult than he thought, but if he's going to proceed, he needs to know... that there isn't a single possibility that he could be misunderstanding Kija's restlessness. He lowers his voice even more, apparently having a much more difficult time getting the words out. ]

If I had to summarize it... it's the feeling of wanting to hold someone, and to kiss them... without even thinking about mana exchange. Of feeling your heart quicken every time they come near you.

[ Which, not wanting to risk the idea that he might be teasing, is why despite their hands being entwined, he still keeps a considerable distance. ]

[ That pretty much describes the kind of thoughts he's been having ever since they shared their first kiss - the real one, without the pressing need for mana exchange. It isn't so much the act itself that was so pleasing, but the closeness that came with it - the affection that he could feel pouring out of him and being reciprocated. For so long, he's been ignoring the thoughts, trying his best to return to normalcy because such things were supposed to be a distraction that he should be avoiding, but there's only so long he can go before he starts to slip. Kija was an affectionate person after all, even if he usually tried to keep his polite distances. Of course he would be weak to any sort of gesture that symbolized closeness. ]

My heart is quickening right now. [ Quickening so much he has to hold on to his chest again. ] Perhaps -- There is a chance that I ...

[ If it was indeed true, Kija doesn't even know where he's supposed to go from here. Does he act on them, like he can feel himself wanting to, or was that selfish? Does he smother them until they go away?

He should at least find out if his feelings are even welcome. ] Do you feel the same?

[ Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine that they might be facing this situation. He had always admired his brothers' beauty, of course-- he wasn't blind, but they were too much like family. So he had established these mental boundaries, boundaries that were easy to observe and maintain when they weren't encouraged to foster such physical closeness.

Now, he's sure they've reached the point of no return. This is likely the hardest thing he's done here, and this is still considering all the enemies they've faced, all the strife they've endured together. This runs the risk of severing, or at the very least, damaging the bond they share. He lowers his voice, barely audible, and diverts his gaze. ]

I do. [ Yet why does he sound so unhappy about it? He should be happy, and he is, a selfish part of him. But he knows that fleeting happiness won't last, and the guilt growing in his heart makes him feel worse and worse as the seconds pass. But he has to come out with it. He swallows hard, attempting to steady the beating of his heart. ]

But there is something you should know, Kija-kun. I am... dating someone. [ He feels sick, right now, with the knowledge that even if he explains to Kija why the moments they've shared aren't a breach of trust to Vietnam, his younger brother wasn't going to accept this. ]

[ Kija can feel his heart sink immediately. Of course he would be. This isn't even surprising behavior from Jae Ha, knowing the type of person that he was and the kinds of needs he had, and a huge part of Kija feels like an idiot for not expecting it. Many months ago, he would have taken the knowledge with a shrug, chalking it down to something typical of the green dragon. Right now, the knowledge stings for some reason. Kija was not even hoping for anything to flourish between them - he wasn't even consciously aware of what he had felt until Jae Ha had spelled it out for him - but it stings all the same, and he starts to draw back into himself, going quieter.

It's so confusing. If he feels the same, why did he promise himself to another? Maybe it was part of some big prank all along - the kisses they had shared, the times they have held each other. It would be a very cruel prank, and Jae Ha's never actually been cruel to him, but it's hard not feeling like all those gestures of love and intimacy had meant nothing at all. ]

Were you pulling a prank on me?

[ The accusation hurts, but it shouldn't come as a surprise. Even so, Jae-ha can't hide the shock on his face when it comes, his own heart sinking. He did play games all too often, didn't he? Though he would have liked to hope that Kija had enough faith in him to not think him so cruel.

That's the part that stings, and he closes his eyes momentarily to avoid letting emotions flow out of him too freely. Angry isn't what he needs to be. Finally, quietly: ]

Do you really think I would do something like that?

[ He sighs, berating himself for not seeing the signs earlier. Then, at least, he could have told him before they'd wandered too far. Before they found themselves here. ]

I don't know how to explain this in a way you'll understand... [ Which isn't meant to be a condescending statement at all, he just knows Kija too well, and he knows such a concept would be foreign to him. ~~He should find out about granny.~~ ] But she doesn't ask me to be faithful, nor do I ask it of her.

[ It's a different sort of faithfulness, but this is the best way he can think of putting it into words. Into the least amount of words, because even this is painfully difficult. ]

crosscheck overflow post

kija, the ball (07/16)

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his icon expression works but now this looks like a stripping thread

handwaves stripping

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